Things That Should Exist

i hate ms wordThis happens often: I realize that something I do regularly could be done a lot more easily, efficiently, and/or quickly with the help of a simple tool. Realizing the obvious benefits of such a tool, I theorize that surely someone, somewhere in the world has already created it. So I take to the Googles to hunt it down.

Four hours later I’m angry, my forehead is red from all the slapping, and I’m completely disgusted. (Also, probably, hungry.) Because either this simple, obvious tool does not exist, or I — with all my intertube experience and Google-fu — cannot find it.

Here’s the latest example: I do a lot of writing for websites, right? But I’m a freelancer, not on staff, which means that most of my writing gets sent to an editor rather than inserted directly into the site’s content management system, or CMS. That means that I have to send over a document file of some type, a document file created in some sort of word-processing apparatus.

And here’s the problem: Every word-processing apparatus I’ve tried is positively horrendous at generating HTML, the code-level backbone of internet writing. Every single one, when you attempt to save a simply formatted text file as HTML, inserts all kinds of crazy formatting information that would be an absolute horror for any editor to have to remove on a regular basis.

This is bad for business. Continue reading “Things That Should Exist”

Stop Pollinating Yourselves

flower-game-screenshot-2

Attention game journalists:

Can we stop overselling Flower please? Yes, it’s a lovely little game. Yes, it does a lot of interesting things with control. Yes, it has wonderful atmosphere and a nice message. But how about we let players discover these things for themselves? Do we really need to engage in a Most Embarrassing Hyperbole contest every time we talk about the game?

Here, I’ll help. Here’s a handy list for anyone planning to review, blog about, or otherwise cover the game:

Things Flower Does Not Do

  • Redefines gaming forever
  • Cures cancer
  • Justifies, on its own, the purchase of a PlayStation 3
  • Reverses global warming
  • Personally fellates the player
  • Magically turns your significant other into a gamer
  • Rescues us from the post-holiday lull
  • Saves the whales
  • Feeds the hungry
  • Allows you to stop considering other games for Game of the Year
  • Sticks it to The Man
  • Helps you clean your apartment, you filthy troll
  • Brings about peace in the Middle East
  • Takes the place of real flowers for your loved one
  • Makes you any smarter, hipper, or more attractive
  • Loves you

Things Flower Does

  • Kills a couple hours in a soothing, and yet thought-provoking, fashion
  • Surprises the player…if you people will let it

Thank you for your attention.

If Airlines Ruled the World

Dear Valued Amazon Customer,

We regret to inform you that your order for Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace cannot be fulfilled at this time due to product unavailability. It is the policy of Amazon to sell more copies of our books than we have in stock, on the chance that earlier orders may be cancelled. Unfortunately we have drastically underestimated demand for this title.

We do value your business, thus we will be sending you an only very slightly used copy of Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment instead. It will be arriving in four to six weeks. We understand that your original order was due to be shipped in three days, and that your replacement title has a significantly lower retail price, and we regret that we are not able to offer any refund or adjustment to your payment. We remind you that these policies are clearly outlined in our Terms of Service (which you may obtain by sending in a self-addressed, stamped envelope to our corporate office).

As always, we thank you for shopping with us, and we look forward to your continued business.

Sincerely,
Amazon Customer Service Continue reading “If Airlines Ruled the World”