Stop Pollinating Yourselves

Attention game journalists:

Can we stop overselling Flower please? Yes, it’s a lovely little game. Yes, it does a lot of interesting things with control. Yes, it has wonderful atmosphere and a nice message. But how about we let players discover these things for themselves? Do we really need to engage in a Most Embarrassing Hyperbole contest every time we talk about the game?

Here, I’ll help. Here’s a handy list for anyone planning to review, blog about, or otherwise cover the game:

Things Flower Does Not Do

• Redefines gaming forever
• Cures cancer
• Justifies, on its own, the purchase of a PlayStation 3
• Reverses global warming
• Personally fellates the player
• Magically turns your significant other into a gamer
• Rescues us from the post-holiday lull
• Saves the whales
• Feeds the hungry
• Allows you to stop considering other games for Game of the Year
• Sticks it to The Man
• Helps you clean your apartment, you filthy troll
• Brings about peace in the Middle East
• Takes the place of real flowers for your loved one
• Makes you any smarter, hipper, or more attractive
• Loves you

Things Flower Does

• Kills a couple hours in a soothing, and yet thought-provoking, fashion
• Surprises the player…if you people will let it

Thank you for your attention.